I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
