I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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