One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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