It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
