I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
