I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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