I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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