I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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