I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
