i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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