You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
