My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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