The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
