Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
