I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
