go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
