____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
