i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
