I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
