shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
