your parents love me but you hate me
actually, I'm a sock model
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
