someone get that fucking seahorse.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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