We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
She is in my trunk
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He shit in the fireplace
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
