He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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