I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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