She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
