"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
