Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
How external is "for external use only"?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
