I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
