I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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