I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
