I hate all girls vehemently.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
