I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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