I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
