There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
