The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
