Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
