Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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