so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
