i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
