I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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