Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Randomize
