Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
