the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
