Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
