you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
