I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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