Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
