My sheets look like a crime scene.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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