I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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