Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
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