I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
