My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
